If I Were A Hockey Player...
I can't stop! There's nothing like defeating the Red Wings (and mediocre Colorado vodka) for fueling an ill-advised blog-'til-dawn-fest.
Everyone who's anyone in the hockey blog world has filled out this questionnaire. Most of them were important people, and were thus asked to fill it out for the edification mankind. I, however, just feel like it. Also, I am drunk.
I fully comprehend that in doing so, I am equating myself with every teenage boy who buys a guitar and thinks he can play "Stairway to Heaven." A girl can dream, right? Ask me again in six months when I know what I'm talking about, but am still drunk. Ok?
Team: Colorado Avalanche. After a humbling stint in the CHL with the Tulsa Oilers. (Who recently got demolished in no uncertain terms by the Colorado Eagles. 9-1. You read it right.)
Number: 17. The craziest year of my life to date. If I can go through all that, I can get the puck in the fucking net. Ooh, sorry. Like I said...the vodka.
Position: Cheeky! Oh, wait. Right Wing.
Nickname: The Devil, She-Devil, The Evil One, The Princess of Darkness, "Wait...there's a GIRL on the team!!!"
Dream Linemate(s): Sakic, without question. That is, if I could get over the fact that I was on the line with Joe Sakic and stop tracing the letters on his jersey and trying to touch his hair. Besides that, I have every confidence that he can perform LASIK surgery with his wrist shot. 600 times.
Rounding out the PP: Can I say Sakic again? Ok, Ok! Give me a break. I'm new to this, I have freaking JOE SAKIC on my team, and I'm (do I really need to say it again?) drunk. To stay loyal to the current team, I'll say Stastny. It's in his genes, and he's amusing to boot.
Job: Unlikely Enforcer. You'd never expect a check, or much less, a punch, from someone who just corrected your grammar. Shows what you know.
Signature Move: The King Lear. I act like I'm insane, and then do something really profound. So there. For those of you who read my Hockey/Lear posts, here's a hilarious interpretation of Lear I actually approve of, courtesy of SuperDeluxe.com:
And/or the Temptress: Where I score a goal and press myself against the glass. And lick it.
Strengths: Irish temper, only-child attachment, Revenge of the Nerds attitude, being the only girl on the team.
Weaknesses: Irish temper, only-child attachment, Revenge of the Nerds attitude, being the only girl on the team.
Injury Problems: It's not my problem that people don't like it when I injure them. That's their problem.
Equipment: Nothing special. Nothing pink. If I really have a choice, I'd say something that protects me when I check guys, but doesn't completely disguise the goods so they can "check" me. If you know what I mean. You do. I can tell.
Nemesis: Any and/or all Red Wings. Anyone who realizes I'm a girl. Anyone who even LOOKS at Sakic funny. Are you kidding me? Don't even think about it. You're dealing with a teacher, who also happens to be the Devil. You get an "F," and you're deposited in the 9th circle of Hell. Way to go, chump.
Scandal Involvement: This is fantasy, right? Ok, I sleep with some people. But it's not a scandal, because you never know about it. Also, I send some people to the 9th circle of Hell. But you only know about that because 1) you are the media, and 2) you are there, too.
Who do I face in the Stanley Cup Series? The Red Wings, if they were the current Avs and I were the 1996 Avs.
What do I do with the Cup after winning it? Give people a chance to touch it if they buy season tickets to the ballet.
Does the media love or hate me? Both. They love me because I'm always willing to talk. They hate me because they can't print what I say, because newspapers are moribund and useless wastes of paper. They love me because I am passionate about the game. They hate me because when they ask "How important was this game?" I ask, "Well, did you watch it? Because if you did, you'd probably have something more interesting to ask about it." Bloggers love me, and I love them. Because I can say anything to them, and they can write it. And I honestly don't think I would be offended the first 100 times I was asked "Who on the team would you most like to 'do'?" As if you'd have to ask.
Best Friends Forever!
--Satanella, #17
2 comments:
Hahaha you're an amusing drunk. I did this once, too, but it was much less obscene. I held myself back, most likely because I was sober. Pity.
"Anyone who even LOOKS at Sakic funny." I would give my life for that man. Even people that barely know me know that if you insult Joe, you get bombarded with a raging mix of stats and obscenities. It's just not a smart move.
Filling that out as the amusing drunk turned out far superior to doing it as the Oklahoman who's been on skates three times!
When I watched my first game ever, a few months ago (!), Sakic scored the only Av goal in regulation and won it in the SO. I had no idea who he was, or what the "C" on his jersey meant, but I remember thinking, "If I ever get a jersey, I should get that guy's number on it."
I laugh to think about it now. Freaking Super Joe. Man, I love "that guy."
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